Seventeen days ago, I had top surgery and a LOT has happened since.
Besides being frustrated with the fact that I still cannot exercise and that my mom had to wash my hair a couple of times, I have been fascinated by some mental shifts taking place as the result of this life-changing surgery.
First of all, the weirdest thing about having had top surgery is that I feel like I never had it. I find it extremely hard to imagine I ever had breasts. Having a male chest just feels so natural that the first few days I was often confused as to why I was experiencing pain. My nipple reveal was also nothing like the emotional YouTube video’s I was priming myself with. After the doctor removed the sponges I was like, yeah… those are my nipples, they look pretty gross with all that blood and stuff, but I feel.. normal. I think I just experienced so much dysphoria about my chest prior to surgery that I sort of denied having a female chest altogether.
Another surprise was the skyrocketing of my bottom dysphoria, which I am planning to reduce with the purchase of the Joystick. After being really satisfied with the EZP Junior I am really looking forward to also owning a high-end prosthetic for play.
Anyways, after surgery I also found my attraction towards girls becoming stronger. I have called myself “mostly gay” for as long as I can remember, but now I am wondering if there is more to it than that. My theory is that because I feel so much more comfortable with my body now, I can allow all these feelings that I couldn’t before. Maybe I was just so disgusted with my own (female) body that I felt an aversion to all other female bodies. Now that I feel like my body is so much more “male” I feel like I can appreciate women’s bodies without them triggering my dysphoria, if that makes any sense.
Then again, I am not sure if I’ll ever fall in love with a girl like I have with guys. But I am open to everything and I don’t really feel the need to force any label on myself. I find it very interesting to see how these shifts take place whilst I am becoming more and more myself.
I think many people don’t realize how much of an impact the cognitive dissonance that arises from gender dysphoria can have on an individual. I think transition is a process which is different for everyone and that can elicit a lot of complicated and mixed feelings and emotions, and that’s okay.
In my opinion, being trans can be both a huge challenge and a great gift that brings unique perspective to life. I value this hardship because it has taught me so much about myself and others and has given me a unique outlook on the world.
– Evan
Congrats on top surgery. I am two months post op and I feel like gold but like you, my bottom dysphoria has sky rocketed. Hang in there and by the way, this was a great read.
What a great story! I have always felt bisexual but, I preferred women. After I transitioned I still preferred women until about two years into transition when I suddenly started finding myself more attracted to men. Since then (I am 8 years in now), I find that it flip flops all the time. My sexual preference is very fluid. I feel a stronger emotional bond with women but I enjoy male anatomy. It’s complicated, to say the least!
I’m happy for the experience of being trans. We are all courageous for taking the leap and doing what makes us happy. Thank you for sharing. This was well thought out and spoken. We are all lucky that we get to live our best lives. ❤️
This is amazing. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m pre-everything, but I had that same experience that, as soon as I got my first proper masculine haircut, I immediately felt like it had never been any other way. And so did my partner. And in fact my attraction to men because stronger after that. Regarding the sexuality changes, I also consider myself “mostly gay.” But given the “mostly,” I often think that T, or other changes further into transition, might just tip things over the edge toward a stronger bisexuality. It’s very interesting to hear you describe your experiences and all the physical/ emotional/ sexual affirmations that seem to happen when we do the right things for our bodies. Thank you for sharing from the other side.
This is awesome and I can agree with you on not seeming to remember what it was like with to have a chest as I had my top surgery 3 months ago, even now I don’t remember anymore what it was like to have the chest I did, I also never had a moment where I cried after surgery since once I woke up and could check it out I just felt, normal, like the type of normal you feel when you take a shower after being dirty for to long.
I’ve also noticed I feel more comfortable around ‘feminine’ things and can voice my attractive to all genders without feeling weird about it or have it trigger dysphoria as well.
But congrats my dude!! :D
Wow never have I read such a succinct breakdown and personal revelation that rings true so accurately to my own experience, beliefs and feelings, thank you my brother, forever with you in heart. X
Anton