Seventeen days ago, I had top surgery and a LOT has happened since.
Besides being frustrated with the fact that I still cannot exercise and that my mom had to wash my hair a couple of times, I have been fascinated by some mental shifts taking place as the result of this life-changing surgery.
First of all, the weirdest thing about having had top surgery is that I feel like I never had it. I find it extremely hard to imagine I ever had breasts. Having a male chest just feels so natural that the first few days I was often confused as to why I was experiencing pain. My nipple reveal was also nothing like the emotional YouTube video’s I was priming myself with. After the doctor removed the sponges I was like, yeah… those are my nipples, they look pretty gross with all that blood and stuff, but I feel.. normal. I think I just experienced so much dysphoria about my chest prior to surgery that I sort of denied having a female chest altogether.
Another surprise was the skyrocketing of my bottom dysphoria, which I am planning to reduce with the purchase of the Joystick. After being really satisfied with the EZP Junior I am really looking forward to also owning a high-end prosthetic for play.
Anyways, after surgery I also found my attraction towards girls becoming stronger. I have called myself “mostly gay” for as long as I can remember, but now I am wondering if there is more to it than that. My theory is that because I feel so much more comfortable with my body now, I can allow all these feelings that I couldn’t before. Maybe I was just so disgusted with my own (female) body that I felt an aversion to all other female bodies. Now that I feel like my body is so much more “male” I feel like I can appreciate women’s bodies without them triggering my dysphoria, if that makes any sense.
Then again, I am not sure if I’ll ever fall in love with a girl like I have with guys. But I am open to everything and I don’t really feel the need to force any label on myself. I find it very interesting to see how these shifts take place whilst I am becoming more and more myself.
I think many people don’t realize how much of an impact the cognitive dissonance that arises from gender dysphoria can have on an individual. I think transition is a process which is different for everyone and that can elicit a lot of complicated and mixed feelings and emotions, and that’s okay.
In my opinion, being trans can be both a huge challenge and a great gift that brings unique perspective to life. I value this hardship because it has taught me so much about myself and others and has given me a unique outlook on the world.