This is an update I’ve been wanting to write for a while as a direct follow up to “A trans man’s guide to dating straight women (part 2)” (In order for this story to totally make sense, I’d recommend reading this also.)
It turns out this story really wasn’t over when I published it, and I’ve been wanting to share its continuation, as I think it shows that even when things really don’t look like they’re going your way, they can sometimes turn around.
So let me pick up the story where I left off. I wrote this part 2 the day after a woman that I really liked an awful lot, let me down gently after my “trans reveal”. I wrote it as a way of processing the situation for myself and also thought perhaps it might be helpful for others in similar situations to read.
The day we parted ways, I’d told her “I’ll be totally honest and say that I really do feel like this got called too soon. If in a few weeks you feel the same, then you know where to find me.”
Turns out, she did!
But to back up a bit, she did check in with me the next day with a simple “how are you today?” which I thought was really sweet. I also sent her a brief email thanking her for some awesome, albeit too brief memories, along with a link to the blog post, which I think did get her thinking… and processing… and over the following two weeks we continued to have a few friendly text exchanges.
And then she asked me over for dinner.
Turns out that what I had been saying all along in these last two blog posts, was also the case here. It just takes a bit of digestion and processing time. Given that time, more often than not, it’s very possible to move forward and I’m very happy to say that since that dinner, things have been going strong and getting stronger day by day.
We connect incredibly well, emotionally, intellectually and physically and for her, the fact that I’m trans, is just a non issue. But she freely admits that there’s plenty of pluses to dating a guy that has been socialised as female for a large part of his life. Also that one gets to choose…. erm… the size of the package. She personally prefers the 7″ Joystick over the 6″ ;)
I’m encouraging her to write “A straight woman’s guide to dating a trans man” and hopefully one day she will, but in the meantime, I just wanted to put it out there for everyone else that even if the initial reaction to you revealing your biggest vulnerability to someone you really, really like, doesn’t go as you’d like it to, it may just take a bit of patience and time. You can’t force these things, but you can respectfully step back while still leaving the door open and then who knows, it may turn out to be very worth it indeed.
Six months on, I’m certainly very, very glad I did.
Glad it worked out for you! I completely agree- men socialized as female can be very good partners (and friends) to women. It is satisfying to know I can treat women right when all their lives they’ve likely been often disrespected by cis men. I was as well for decades.
That being said I still believe the time to “man up” about it is right away, not waiting until you can see if you can fool them. To me, that is manipulative, and if you’re gonna be brave, be brave all the way. Women deserve that respect.
Levi, you need to respect yourself a bit more. You’re not fooling them into anything any more than say, a dude that lost his penis in an accident or has a small one. You think they’d have to publish that from the get go?
I worked at a restaurant as a bartender/barista and I met a beautiful straight woman at back in late October. She was my co-worker. She only worked the night shifts and I usually worked the days but one day my boss asked me to take the night bartending shifts for 2 weeks. These shifts are usually between 4pm-11pm/1am. After day one we became friendly co-workers, day 4 friends then, week 2 great friends. Halloween night the restaurant had an event and she wasn’t working this time but she came by to pick up her paycheck and hangout. Towards the beginning of November we were always together but either at work, a bar or at my place. A conversation over brunch between my bestfriend and I: Me, “I really like her,” My bestfriend replies, “when are you going to come out to her?”. November 19th I come out to her: Me, “You know how I said I didn’t want to date you unless one of us quits or gets fired..? It’s because I’m trans. …I didn’t want the..” “…Do you have any questions?” Her after smoking a joint, “No… I kind of already knew.” Thanksgiving day, I’m thinking of her all day. The following week she finds out she has to move out of her apartment. Since she’s already been spending a few nights at my place I suggested she stay with me until she goes back home in April. She agrees and I helped her move out. December 4 she moves into my place. It was around this time I think my job caught wind of us and they actually fired her. I was pissed. We were both pissed. Guests loved us, they tipped us so well and no one actually knew we were together because we weren’t official. Brief relationship history: A year prior I left a 1 year long relationship, 1 month before meeting me she had just left a 5 year relationship. Neither of us had intention of dating for a while. December 19 she goes home for the holidays for two weeks. It was just before New Years Eve that we FaceTimed and she told me that she felt like she wanted to be serious and start an official relationship. The thing is she’s Swedish and has been in the US on a visa that expired Feb 16 but can stay for 3 months then has to return to Stockholm. Despite it all when she came back to my place Jan 4, I knew I wanted to be with her. Jan 6th I asked her to be my girlfriend. Feb 14 comes around and we have an amazing day together. March we begin planning whats to come, April 4 I drop her off at JFK and miss her already. April 15 I book a ticket to Stockholm. We plan to get married before the Fall and move back to NY. May 1 I return home, I miss her already. The whole month of May passes and easy but not easy. June 3 I fly out from Newark to Stockholm. June 11, 2019 were engaged.
Omg this is SO wholesome I’m crying !
I am so overjoyed with all the stuff written in this blog (all 3 parts) . thank you so much for sharing this it has given me so much courage and hope. and like the author of the blog, I dont identify as a Trans man and consider myself heterosexual, and am into straight women I have had a couple of rejections already and the one and only thing that has held me back from getting back into the dating scene is getting rejected because of my lack of a real Penis… but reading this blog TL’s story in the comments section is giving me a lot of hope.. thank you !
I get rejected by women left and right but men find me highly attractive. I also get compliments on my smile all the time by women over 60, lol (I’m 37 but i look ten years younger like many trans men). it might be because I’m short 5’3″. but I’m not asking out really tall women. it’s really confusing to me because I know men (especially men attracted to men don’t lie about looks, in fact they are known for putting a high emphasis on looks). So I know I’m not ugly but…I have been single for over twelve years now. I’ve tried dating apps with women and I’ve literally sent hundreds of messages and gotten none back. One fellow trans guy who has no interest in dating for personal reasons even made me feel guilty for even messaging those women saying, “They get so many messages. they don’t have to reply”. Are younger women just more rude and entitled? I’ve just made a major investment in getting a personal trainer for working out but even when I was forty pounds lighter with mostly muscle I only gotta interest from gay men. Ugh, this is so frustrating. is there something I’m missing? how do you all get so many opportunities with women in the first place? Any advice welcome including best apps/sites to use.
Maybe get some feedback from a friend on how you are messaging these women? Not that I’m suggesting you’re doing this, but I’m constantly amazed at how many people will message with a “hey” and nothing else and I hazard a guess that most people just aren’t going to respond to that, so my top suggestion would be to send thoughtful, tailored messages, so quality over quantity. Comment or ask questions on something specific to their profile and you’re much more likely to get a response. Good luck out there! :)