I am a man, who happens to be trans. I feel fortunate that I can choose if/when and whom to disclose this piece of information to. I “pass”.
But I have always been quite uncomfortable with this term.
Let me explain. Here are three versions of what people often say when I tell them I’m trans. To many cis people, these are variations of the same sentiment. But how I hear them, is vastly different.
Version one: “You make such a convincing guy!”
My usual response to this, if it’s from a guy is to light heartedly say “Thanks! So do you.” Or, from a girl “Thanks! And you make a very convincing girl also.” This is usually enough to get them to hear this comment for how it might sound to me.
Version two: “You pass really well!”
My response to this is again, to thank them and then explain to them that the term passing makes me uncomfortable because the very word suggests there is some inherent deception or pretense going on. I am not pretending to be a man. I am a man. Albeit one with a fairly unusual past. Passing in my mind, should be reserved for things like gender swap parties on Halloween. I am not playing dress ups, though dress ups can be a lot of fun and maybe, one day, I will dress up as a girl and see if I could pass. I doubt it.
Version three. “I never would have guessed.”
This is by far the one that sits the most comfortably with me. In the same way, when I tell people, I’m actually German, even though I sound very much like an Australian, the same response is warranted. “I never would have guessed.” It does not imply that I am trying to convince or deceive anyone. It’s just a “who woulda thunk it.” Unexpected for sure, but that’s about it.”
Though the term passing can certainly have its place in the right context, I think there are better word choices out there. Personally I like “read”. I am read as a man, as are most men. This does not “other” me in any way.
I also get that this is a prickly topic for many trans people who are not always read as the gender they are presenting as, and that there’s many shades of gender presentation beyond the binary. I understand that it’s often more difficult, especially for trans women and non binary people to be read correctly, but perhaps for the latter the semantics are even more relevant. How would the term “passing” even fit into the reality of a non binary person in the broader context of society? You can certainly be read as androgynous, gender fluid or ambiguous, but passing simply doesn’t seem to apply.
Anyway, it’s all just food for thought… Drop a comment if you have your own thoughts to add.
Great article, thank you. I’m just about to perform a one-man show – Transmansplaining’ about being a trans man, and it’s been interesting to look at the wording I used when I first transitioned 15 years ago, and now realising the implications of using words like “passing”.
There’s a mine field of terminology, comments and questions that are often well-meant but usually inappropriate, intrusive or insulting. But articles like yours are informative and instructional for the broader community as well as trans & gender diverse people. Thank you.
I love this! I’ve always found ‘passing’ an uncomfortable term but hadn’t ever been able to word why.
So true, i love this post. I have similar discomforts with the term because im afab nonbinary, have been on t for a year and a bit, and want both top and bottom surgery. By all appearances I’m a man. And when i reveal im trans, i get the same responses, which are often intended as praise from the cis people giving them – but i dont even try to be read as a man, or really want to be. I just have physical dysphoria, and thats separate from how i socially identify. So its another layer of confusion and discomfort at these interactions, with the onus of how im perceived being placed on me – passing – rather than the viewer – how im read. I am not trying control the cis persons perspective. I simply want to be myself.
Oh wow…”but i dont even try to be read as a man, or really want to be. I just have physical dysphoria, and thats separate from how i socially identify.” This is me too!! My whole life I felt I was being intently deceptive and didn’t know how, only that I constantly felt guilty akid people and the more familiar I got with someone, the more uncomfortable I became si I never made lasting friendships! Note I feel great, and I’ve been in t four a yeart. I have just decided to be myself and though I’m mis gendered (I am too easy going and lazy to correct anyone) all the time, I still feel great, I am no longer “passing”!!
As a nonbinary person, I have explained to people this reality, that when you’re going about your life, you’re usually going to get some variant on “sir” or “ma’am,” because most people don’t consider other options. However, that doesn’t mean that “passing” is meaningless to nonbinary people.
– Some nonbinary people have a strong preference as to whether they get “sir” or “ma’am” (or “he” or “she,” when people assume pronouns, as they do–some nonbinary people use binary pronouns primarily, some don’t have either as their first choice but still vastly prefer one set to the other) and make an effort to present in a way that, even if they won’t be understood as nonbinary by random strangers, they at least won’t get the more dysphoric assumption. For some this means medically transitioning much the same as a binary trans person, while for others it means not transitioning as much as they’d otherwise like to.
– Nonbinary people still often have to use binary gendered facilities, such as bathrooms and locker rooms. So all the same applies–even someone completely agender who doesn’t prefer one assumption over the other will want to pee in peace without anyone questioning their right to be there.
– In some contexts, you actually can be read as nonbinary! These are usually queerer spaces, or just spaces with a lot of trans people. (I’ve found that binary trans people also pick up my “nonbinary energy” on sight, while cis people remain clueless.) I have absolutely seen random people where, if I had to guess their pronouns, I would guess they/them, though of course a guess is still always just a guess. It can be reassuring how easily people understand when it’s even a concept they know to recognize.
– Some nonbinary people want to hit such a level of ambiguity that they cause confusion, basically, that people guess one and then correct themselves, or they get about 50/50 sirs/ma’ams on average. The cisgender world is just going to insist on cutting you into one of those categories, and if you can’t stop them from doing it, you can at least smirk at how bad they are at it.
– Some nonbinary people (often genderfluid, genderflux, genderqueer, and/or genderfuck, as well as bigender, pangender, etc) may want to present one way one day, and another way another. So be able to control when you go out the door if you’re getting “sirs” or “ma’ams” today.
– There are some ways to blatantly signal. If you walk into someone who’s shirtless save for a binder with a they/them pin on it, you can probably guess this person is nonbinary. Literally just wearing the nonbinary pride flag is another cluebat, though I guess not everyone would recognize it. Of course, this won’t stop cis people from mentally filing as, “a girl I have to pretend to call they/them to avoid getting yelled at,” but sigh, cis people gonna cis.
It’s fascinating how much how you get read is cultural, too, even varying a lot between different US cities. A lot of trans people find how they get read may depend on the local culture: if people have even heard of trans people (which ironically often helps binary trans people get read correctly), how common gender-non-conforming people like butch lesbians or drag queens are in that community, stuff like that. Even stuff like whether we think a person is wearing “men’s clothes” or “women’s clothes,” or has a “men’s haircut” or a “women’s haircut” is of course highly cultural. By the standards of a hundred years ago, most women today would appear to be wearing “men’s clothes” and many even sporting “men’s haircuts.” Or how adults often see me as female, while small children (preschool age) often see me as male, diminishing as they get older, though teens pause and ask my pronouns. (I sort of wish they didn’t, but that’s a whole other tangent.)
And then there’s even the stuff like how a trans man I know has had people for some reason assume he’s a trans woman. (I don’t mean as in he tells them he’s trans and that’s all they know, I mean they look at him without knowing his history and that’s what they assume, bizarrely.) Or how gender-conforming cis people sometimes get “clocked” as trans. Or butch lesbians bullied for using the women’s bathroom. I’m not one of those nonbinary people who wants everyone to get asked their pronouns (again, tangent) but it would be nice if people remained more open to learning new information, instead of just seizing upon their first impression and trying to bludgeon the world into fitting it.
“Passing” seems to be a term used by “transgender” people as a goal. Where, depending upon the intent by people without gender dysphoria, that term can be meant as either a compliment or criticism. Personally I’ve found that either term does not fully explain my own experience. I am not “transgender”, I always was and am a man. It is my belief that the condition currently called transgenderism is actually within the same spectrum as intersex. I mean no offense to those who outwardly are intersex. But, our brain structures have been proven to be that of men. There, as you know, is a wide spectrum of brain matter presentation and thus those people who are not either are a unique combination of what it is to be human. I am a very spiritual person, a Christ follower, and I find great comfort in the words of Yeshua (Jesus) in Matthew 19:11-12. These verses present the broad spectrum of the biblical term used to describe intersex people. “Eunuchs born thus from their mothers womb”
I consider myself a eunuch and have done as encouraged by my Savior….”He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.” I am not condoning the treatment of our population by the religious institutions. I myself have been treated by members of Church’s with contempt and fear. I am very fortunate to now attend a small congregation in rural Kansas who welcomes me as all Christ followers should. But, it isn’t by fortune, it was by the leading of God’s Spirit. I hope none of you are offended by my comments. I present them with love and encouragement. I would also encourage you to research the first man A’dam. A large portion of Hebraic scholars believe the description in Genesis describes A’dam as intersex…hermaphrodite.
One last comment, we were given these “tents” made from the dust of the earth and God gave human kind dominion over the earth. I believe if we honor Him in the way we take dominion over our bodies of earth, then He is well pleased.
I disagree with some of this. I find no inherent implications of deception in the term “passing.” The issue, in my opinion, is with the context, as the language in those situations is it implies they are the arbiters of whether we should be considered our gender or not.
I dislike when people rail against the terminology of “passing” because back when I had an androgynous appearance, I needed to know which sex I appeared more as day to day or whether I looked convinceably male in order to avoid transphobic harassment and possibly even violence. When you take away the language androgynous people use to keep themselves safe without offering a useful alternative, that’s a hinderance to our community.
I understand when trans people with facial characteristics typically associated with their gender are annoyed when people give them the first or second reaction in your article (“So glad that I’ve passed your judgement, do I get a sticker?”), but it’s important that we as “passing” trans people should realize our privilege and not try to take away language from those we hold privilege over in their attempts to describe their unique issues and keep themselves safe. Our annoyance at transphobic microaggresions is valid but should be given less of a priority than the safety of our non/early HRT trans siblings.
Actually for me trans and passing annoy me. I’m a man. Even says male on my license. Unless I am in a class called act like a man. Then there is no passing or failing. I have not yet done the name change dr’s offices and nurses say Miss first name last name have had to take double takes and be the brunt of a few of my off the cuff responses to the pleasure of the folks in the waiting room. “Hey blame my parents they named me.” I’m 65 so I get away with holding up my hand and simply saying trust me you are not my first “
Now the term Trans annoys me… granted the category white male is one I have had to get used to. But bluntly I have been a man all my life it just took me 60 years to get the outside to reflect in the mirror what I always saw.
I date straight heterosexual women; and prior to any intimacy I have that talk with them in very delicate ways.. and explain quite naturally that just like a guy may have a prosthetic leg, or arm, my prosthetic is a penis, the only issue is I have to wear a condom (I do that because flavored ones are great when the lady is deep throated) Trans to me makes it sound like I transferred, transported, changed, transitioned etc and lets be honest keeping the term trans is a crutch; makes me believe I am special; keeps me in a category, and like I told my son. I pulled up my big boy undies and cowboyed up if I want to be treated like just another old white guy then it’s time to let go of all the special categories and be a man about it.
Thank you for writing this! Very much agree. Also thank you for making these awesome products
If it’s not too rude to ask, did you get your accent by studying in Australia? I was surprised to click on the video and hear your accent and then even more surprised to hear you’re German!
I was born in Berlin Germany, but my parents migrated to the US when I was eight. Hence the Aussie accent :)
Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences being mis-gendered. I experience mis-gendering each time I interact with nearly anyone. It comes mostly from people who are of older generations. The people younger than I who mis-gender me can be quite surprising. I take it for granted their age group would be more accepting, informed, and forward thinking due to age discrimination thrown at them (i.e. Millennials). I’m not uncomfortable; I come from the stance that my boundaries (and me being my territory) have both been violated. I don’t tolerate blatant violation of me & my boundaries-especially when additionally I’m the only transgender man of color in the vicinity. Lately, to ease the tension I’ve responded to others saying, “I know it’s not obvious but my voice is high because I haven’t gone through puberty yet…low testosterone.” When I identified as a lesbian and others would refer to my spouse as husband, I would correct them by clarifying and stating wife. They would apologize; and, I would respond with, “Don’t apologize. You’re not married to her.” That usually eased the tension in the moment and all was well again. Lately, the discrimination and being taken for granted that I’m a woman (regardless of my appearance, name, prefix, or gender marker) has taken a turn towards toxic from them to me. I must admit in conversation with non-transgender people I’ve used the phrase, “I never would have guessed.” The conversations have more to do with life experiences than anything else. Ergo, I will do my best to drop that phrase from ALL of my conversations. I’m grateful to you for giving me better vocabulary tools to handle others who mistakenly and blatantly mis-gender me. I appreciate you!
Huh, that actually makes a whole lot of sense. I always felt a little iffy around the concept of “passing” but I could never put my finger on why.
For some people the term “read as”(which your context indicates to be in the PAST TENSE) indicates someone’s initial “interpretation” of what they observed and that it’s only what that INITIAL impression WAS. For some people, they may say they “read you as”(past tense) a guy yet upon the revelation that you are “trans” (a term I’m more & more uncomfortable with these days), the way they NOW will perceive you has changed from “guy” to something else that is somewhere in the “less than” category.
Though the present tense & past tense versions of “read” are SPELLED the same, the context in the article clearly indicates that the past tense is being used. Had it indicated that it only holds true for the present(which generally indicates the future tense will be the same as the past AND the present) tense, where “read” is pronounced the same as it is in the word “READING”… as in currently still being read as, then unless there’s something else that indicates otherwise I wouldn’t be bothered by this one.
“Passing” is a term I’m ok with when used by those who are also either “trans” or an actual advocate (not someone like my mom who thinks she’s an advocate because she donated to the Pulse Nightclub shooting charity fund yet still supports a church that supports anti-LGBTQ organizations & is probably the most forced gender conformist denomination in so-called Christianity) because it’s not used in a negative context by these people, at least for the most part. There are always those who may use it in a negative way to berate someone they don’t like for one reason or another, and those who are basically transphobic themselves (for whatever reason), but in general…