So yeah, I’ll say it. I have penis envy.
And yes, I’ll admit I’ve always been fascinated by the penis. Ever since I knew such a thing existed, which is actually a very vivid memory. I would have been three. My brother was just born and I was watching my mother change his diapers, when I noticed something unusual between his legs. I asked my mother “what is that?” to which she replied “that’s his penis” so I asked “well… why don’t I have one of those?” to which my mother responded with “because you’re not a boy.” I remember thinking, thinking, thinking, obsessing and chewing on this for days. This was the moment I was first made acutely aware that I was in the eyes of the world, not a boy. And I remember thinking that it was kind of ridiculous that this tiny, dangly appendage got to dictate so much.
And I knew I really wanted one.
I remember shortly thereafter, crayon in hand and a cartoon coloring book before me, drawing a little stick penis on a line drawn Pinocchio and asking my grandmother “so NOW he’s a real boy?” My grandmother, credit to her, replied with a straight face “well… he’d have to have a hole in his pants.”
I don’t think she understood what I was getting at.
I was very clear in my mind that I wanted to be a boy and it seemed kind of cruel that the only reason I couldn’t be, was due to this lack of dangly appendage.
As a grown adult, I can’t say my relationship with the penis has gotten any less complicated. I identify as a heterosexual man. Well, I’m probably about a 1 or a 2 on the Kinsey scale, but I’m still really intrigued by the penis. I’ve had experiences with men in my “former life” and though I guess I quite enjoyed being with men, more specifically, I enjoyed being with their penises. In all honesty, I was never particularly interested in the man attached to the penis. And a lot of my enthusiasm was also more in a scientific “wow, look what it can do!” kind of way.
And yes, in my sexual life, I’ve always felt there was something missing. I want to have sexual relationships with women, but I also want the presence of a penis. And I want it on me, not in me. Tricky…
This is where the Joystick is the closest thing I’ve ever found to giving me exactly that. A penis that feels a part of ME. Something that I feel connected to and that stimulates me and my partner. In all honesty, I really couldn’t imagine having to go without it now. But I guess that’s how most men would feel about their penis, so really, there’s probably nothing unusual about that at all ;)
– Ben
This is what is so sad to me. Wanting something that you will never have. A fake can not really make you truly happy and we know it deep down. I’m so sorry. The real thing is what you get to be born with, if you happen to be that lucky. If you aren’t…you live with the life long knowledge of knowing the lack.