It seems in psychology there is no shortage of complexes that might plague someone’s psyche. The Oedipus complex, the Electra complex, the madonna/whore complex, mostly invented by Sigmund Freud whom I honestly don’t have a lot of time for.
But admittedly for me, the Pinocchio complex, as I’ve come to name it, is a very real thing.
Just like Pinocchio, all I ever wanted, was to be a real boy. To have a fairy godmother wave her magic wand and make it the way it was always supposed to be.
For years I struggled with the decision to transition. I always told myself “if it gets REALLY bad, if I get seriously suicidal, then I’ll do something about it, but until then, I just need to suck it up. Be grateful for the healthy, functional body I have, even if it feels like it isn’t mine.” This is what I told myself each and every single day.
Eventually, however, I got to the point where I just couldn’t see a future anymore. Whenever I thought of myself as a female five years down the track, I’d just draw a complete blank. And I just felt completely exhausted by that voice in my head saying “Should I? Shouldn’t I? Should I? Shouldn’t I? Should I? Shouldn’t I?” which was drowning out everything else, leaving me in a limbo state where I felt I just couldn’t move forward in my life. Unlike Pinocchio, my nose didn’t grow, but everything about my life felt like a lie.
Unlike Pinocchio, my nose didn’t grow, but everything about my life felt like a lie.
My biggest hesitation was, if I transitioned, would my life feel any less like a lie. I knew that what I wanted, was biologically unattainable, so was I going to be any better off, feeling like a little wooden boy who just wanted to be a real boy?
It’s now been six years since I began my transition. These days, when I see myself in the mirror, I feel infinitely closer to the reflection I see. But in all honesty, I do still feel like Pinocchio. And seeing there is no fairy godmother that will ever grant my wish, I guess it’s up to me. Knowing I am the architect of my own life as much as it is possible to be, does go a really long way to finding peace and also, motivation. Nobody ever gets everything they want in life. If they did, what would be their drive? And I am very clear on my drive: To create products that get me closer and closer to feeling complete and whole. In my practical day to day, that’s been the EZP, in my intimate life, that’s been the Joystick, but there’s definitely still a very long way to go. I’m feeling super excited to be able to show the first prototype of the Bionic which should hit the market in late 2020, and I see this as just the beginning of bionics that will become ever more refined year after year.