The holidays are a magical time, full of twinkling lights, hot cocoa, and dicks.

Wait, what? Let me back up and introduce myself. I’m Anna, the original Transthetics Penis Elf, and let me tell you, the holidays are my time to shine. That hot cocoa I mentioned earlier? It’s got peppermint schnapps in it and I’m gearing up for a long night of Christmas dick shipping. I know that nothing is more likely to ruin the magic of the holidays than the delay of that beautiful hand-crafted dick you saved up for, and dammit, you planned your holiday outfit to accommodate a bulge. So it’s go-time. Imma get those dicks to you. But first, let me tell you a tale about the journey that your penis took before it ended up in your pants.

Just like Athena, who burst forth fully clad in armor from Zeus’ split skull (yep, Greek mythology is dark), your penis skipped the awkward smelly years of puberty. Instead it was carefully hand-molded and painted by Alex and his tiny band of artisans and delivered to my doorstep, where it anxiously awaited its forever home. But I don’t just send penises out, willy-nilly (pun intended). No. These dicks have to pass through the Penis Elf Quality Control Process (here at Transthetics we call it the PEQCP because acronyms make us feel mysterious). They’re powdered, they’re washed, their reservoir tips and liquid flows are checked, and their little bits of silicone imperfections are carefully tweezed or snipped. Essentially your purchase of a Transthetics dick comes with a full spa treatment, by yours truly.

Once I’m done, I package them up, keeping in mind that Kirk has a vacation coming up and needs it right away, that Joe has asked to have some extra padding thrown in because it’s being delivered to his office, or that Susie is buying it as a surprise for her anniversary with her partner. And this is why I did, joking aside, tell Alex once upon a time that I feel like a penis elf when I ship these out. This is why I really do put time and effort into making sure that they look their absolute best before they’re sent your way. I remember as I package them that they’re going out to all of you, a myriad of individuals, because they will be bringing you some measure of joy. And maybe it’s because I’m on my second cup of “hot cocoa”, but getting to be a part of that really is the best way to get into the holiday spirit.